


Raspberries

by paralyticdreamer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Character Death, but it’s not his fault, dan blames himself, dan doesn’t go to therapy anymore, this takes place a few years into the future where it’s been a few years since dnp got engaged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21754906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralyticdreamer/pseuds/paralyticdreamer
Summary: Dan laments over his past with Phil
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 2





	Raspberries

**Author's Note:**

> i’m just gonna cut to the chase: this, while being a oneshot, is long. i don’t know how long yet, but it’s long
> 
> let me tell you this, you’ll be sad and probably shed a tear or two.
> 
> i’m unsure if this plot is common in dnp fanfic, or if this has even been done before tbh.

Phil Lester.

His name left a bittersweet aftertaste on his tongue, one that he couldn’t scrape away. It tasted of honey, and the scent was still left from before.

It was all over the apartment.

“He left you,” Dan said to himself as he tidied the kitchen counters up. Even though they were barren more often than not, Dan was bothered by the dust that had settled atop them. He wiped it away with a wet cloth and tossed it into the sink before reminding himself to put it in the wash later.

The raspberries lingered, as they had for the past two years. Today marked two years. Seven-hundred thirty days since the abrupt exit Phil had made. Dan hated himself every single day over it as he felt he’d caused the entire event.

He just wished things would go back to normal.

There was an abrupt knock at the door, pulling Dan out of the thoughts which threatened to become intrusive. He exited the kitchen and walked towards the door, a chill running down his spine.

Pj’s face greeted him as soon as it was opened.

”Jesus, Dan, if it were any darker in here, I’d think the power went out,” he said, a trace of attempted laughter present in his tone. “Good,” Dan retorted. “I like it dark.”

His tone was dead, no trace of the past life that echoed through his voice. Pj walked over to a nearby lamp and flicked it on. Dan squinted, his pupils dilating as the got more used to the sudden presence of light. Once they did, though, he glared at his unexpected guest.

“Now what’d you do _that_ for?” he asked bitterly. “You need to stop wallowing in self-pity, Dan. It’s not good for your health. You also need to realize that it wasn’t your fault,” Pj stated and Dan frowned. “You don’t know that. You weren’t here. You weren’t here for all of the arguments, nor for the lack of communication. It’s my fault, Pj. Entirely my own fault, and I can’t apologize for it now because he’s gone. Phil’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dan sank to the floor as sobs shook his body. “I just– I want it all to stop. All of this… this pain I feel in my chest. It won’t go away, no matter how many painkillers I take. It just doesn’t stop. It never stops. I just want to tell him how sorry I am.”

Pj sat next to Dan and pulled him into a one-armed hug. “Listen, it’s going to be fine,” he said, attempting to reassure him. Dan’s eyes met his, and Pj could see only one emotion present: anger. “But it’s _not_! Don’t you get it? Phil’s dead! He’s been dead for two years and I’m to blame! It’s my fault he killed himself! Stop saying everything’s going to be fine when it’s not.”

The crying hadn’t ceased in his ranting, so his words came out broken and wavering.

”Dan, without getting pissed off at me, tell me that you’ve been going to therapy on a regular basis,” Pj said and Dan shook his head. “N-No. I stopped going after Phil died. He was the one who encouraged me to keep going, and now that he’s gone… I don’t go anymore,” he said quietly, not looking up.

Pj sighed. “I can’t make you go, but he’d want you to. Really, Dan,” he suggested. “I _tried_ , Peej. I tried to go, once Phil started showing signs that he wasn’t exactly mentally _stable_. I went, it was fine, then it… then it wasn’t. The last time I went was the day I found him,” Dan explained, covering his face with both hands as he continued to let out soft whimpers.

”You know, so many people are asking questions. About you. Phil. Where you’ve gone and why neither of you have been active. It’s been trending for months. They need closure, you know,” Pj said and Dan shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t tell them that Phil died, and that he’s been dead for two years. I can’t tell anyone,” he said, unlocking his phone and opening the Twitter app.

The layout felt foreign to him as the app hadn’t been opened in the two years that Phil’d been gone. As Pj had said, the hashtag ‘ _#wherearedanandphil_ ’ was trending at number one. Dan tapped on the hashtag and was bombarded with thousands of tweets with the hashtag.

’ _conspiracy theory: they are sick of us and decided to leave the internet_ ’

’ _is anyone else genuinely worried about them? dan’s never gone this long without tweeting and phil hasn’t uploaded in two years_ ’

Dan backed out of the hashtag and tapped on the icon to compose a tweet.

’ _i haven’t been entirely honest with you, and i’m sorry. it’s taken such a long time to finally be comfortable with typing this out_ ’

‘ _this is the most difficult thing i have ever tweeted and will ever tweet, so bear with me_ ’

’ _phil… will no longer be posting videos, tweeting or posting to instagram_ ’

’ _however, i have one final video to upload explaining exactly why neither of us have been active, so stay tuned for that whenever i decide to post it_ ’

“So you’re uploading a video?” Pj asked and Dan nodded. “Yes. One final video as an ending to my current career as an internet personality. It wouldn’t feel right to continue if Phil is no longer here,” he explained.

Pj nodded. “That is completely understandable,” he said before standing and brushing his jeans off. “It’ll be some sort of closure for you, and for your followers,” he said and walked to the door. “I guess I’ll see you soon; preferably after you’re done with the video. Text me, call me, whatever.”

Then Pj left and Dan was alone with his thoughts once more.

* * *

Dan set up a camera in front of the sofa. In the viewfinder, he finally saw how awful he looked. Permanent tear stains, bags under his eyes. Even his figure looked awful, and his eyes were sunken. He sighed, not bothering to make himself look less dead. His appearance should reflect how he felt inside, he decided. After another sigh, Dan turned the camera on.

”Hello internet.”

Had his voice _always_ sounded like that?

”So, you may be wondering why neither Phil nor myself have been active in the past two years. You might also be concerned with the way I look.”

He let out a laugh, though it was heavily forced. “Well, I have a good explanation. The two correlate, in a way. You see, my mental health has been awful these past two years. I doubt I’ve eaten much. It’s a wonder I’ve even showered and kept myself physically healthy despite my mental health rapidly declining.”

Was that necessary to explain? To let people know that he was slowly becoming more depressed than he was due to Phil’s suicide?

”Uh, yeah. Anyways, I promised an explanation. So, here it is. Phil… is no longer alive. I won’t go into detail regarding the circumstances of Phil’s death. Just know that I blame myself entirely.”

Dan smiled, even though the situation wasn’t even close to being funny.

”I should not, you know, because Phil wouldn’t want me to blame myself. He’d tell me it’s not my fault, because he was wholesome like that, as you all know.”

Dan frowned as he held back tears. “I– I’m so sorry for keeping this from you. I was just… too busy wallowing in self-pity and sadness. I couldn’t necessarily function, or even think straight. Phil was genuinely the love of my life, and losing him so abruptly hurt more than anything. I can’t put how I’m feeling into words, but my heart honestly feels like it’s being crushed.”

Tears that were being held in suddenly spilled out and no matter how many times Dan wiped them away, they didn’t cease.

”I wanted to keep you all in the dark. I never wanted to say anything, but then Pj came over and told me about the thing that was trending. I’m so, so sorry for not saying anything. I really am. I guess I’m still in a state of shock from it even though it’s been two years. I sincerely apologize for all of the hurt you’ve experienced when we fell off of the face of the earth. And I apologize for this video. Sorry.”

Then the camera was turned off and the SD card was removed. Dan had decided early on that it would be a single take, mainly due to the fact that he was too physically and mentally tired to edit. Dan inserted the SD card into his laptop before opening Safari and going onto Youtube.

His breath hitched in his throat when he saw that the first video on the front page was of his and Phil’s engagement announcement. He remembered that day like it was just yesterday despite it being a few years prior.

Forty-two million views sit under it and next to it, ‘2 years ago’. So much had happened since then, and it made Dan ill.

’ _WE’RE ENGAGED_ ’ the title read and Dan looked down at his hand where the band sat. It was black and diamond-encrusted. He couldn’t bear to take it off.

Then came the realization that it had been Phil’s last ever video. Just a week after it was uploaded, Dan found Phil in the bathroom, an empty bottle of pills in his hand. He’d fainted and when he woke up, he was at the hospital. The doctors had told him that they weren’t able to save Phil and Dan cried for a week straight.

Once the notification showed that the video had been imported, Dan clicked on the icon to upload it. As it was uploading, Dan chose a title and wrote a short description. It finished processing and Dan clicked upload.

There it was, live for everyone to view—and they did. The views began pouring in and Dan hid his face in his knees, not wanting to see the various reactions it would receive, and let out a shaky breath. His phone began to vibrate, a sign that people were mentioning him in all sorts of things. He didn’t want to check his phone, the fear and dread setting in quickly.

People hated him. He knew it. They hated him for letting Phil die.

After minutes of procrastination, Dan unlocked his phone and opened the Twitter app for the second time in two days. His mentions were flooded with apologetic comments and hashtags wishing for him to get better soon as well as many others.

He sent out another tweet, filling the character limit with the words ’ _im sorry_ ’ in different variations and misspellings. Once more his notifications were flooded with replies, likes and quotes.

’ _i can’t imagine how ur feeling rn :( im so sorry dan_ ’

‘ _phil will be missed so much by so many people. feel better soon dan_ ’

’ _nobody blames u for being inactive and no one will blame u if u continue to be inactive_ ’

’ _I lost someone really close to me earlier this year, so I kind of know how you feel. We love you. Feel better soon <3_’

The positive replies continued to flood in, and for the first time in two years, Dan smiled softly. It was nice knowing that nobody hated him.

* * *

_“Dan, look at this!” Phil exclaimed, a hurt look on his face as he pointed at his laptop screen._

_“Another one? Damn, they’ve been getting awful recently,” Dan said, sitting on the sofa next to Phil. He didn’t understand the recent eruption of hate comments one Phil’s recent videos. It was as if they’d magically shown up on every single awful person’s home page._

_”Phil, please don’t listen to them. You’re perfect. Please ignore them.”_

_Phil frowned. “I can’t when they constantly pour in. And I don’t want to disable the comments because there are actually nice ones,” he said, closing the laptop roughly before turning to Dan. “By the way, it’s almost two. You might wanna leave now if you wanna get there on time.”_

_Dan nodded and stood as well. “When I’m done, do you wanna go to that sushi place we both like?” he asked and Phil nodded. “Of course. We haven’t gone in ages!” he said._

* * *

He shouldn’t have gone. If he would have stayed home, Phil would be alive. Phil’s laptop wouldn’t have a shattered screen because of another hate comment, and they’d be married. A honeymoon in Japan. They’d planned their whole lives together. Phil wanted to adopt. They were gonna get a dog. Everything was going to be perfect.

_** But perfection doesn’t exist. ** _

**Author's Note:**

> so, not as long as i wanted, but yeah.
> 
> so, if you’re confused on the ending, dan only blames himself because he wasn’t home to stop phil. and i know i made it sound like phil’s suicide would be graphic, but it wasn’t. phil OD’d on medication. the only reason dan was at the hospital was because one of their neighbors heard dan fall. 
> 
> if the reason is still unclear on the reason phil died, it’s because of hate comments. if u wanna know what the final one said, lemme know. it’s important to the plot.


End file.
